Five Things I Never Thought I’d Say…

Sunday 22 March 2015 by

Until I Had Kids

  1. Don’t lick the bin. No, really, stop it.

You are happily making lunch in the kitchen when you hear a strange noise behind you, turn around and see your three and a half year old making a bee-line for the dustbin with their tongue out.

They aren’t pretending to be a dog or anything so adorable, they’re just going through a phase of licking anything that stands still. And today’s target is the kitchen bin.

You can’t remember the last time you actually cleaned the outside of the bin beyond a perfunctory wipe when something obvious dribbled on it and now you have looked at it properly, you are fairly certain it’s not suitable for licking.

The child licks it anyway. Obviously. Just like the fence outside a few days before. And the signpost before that. And your knees outside pre-school.

(He survived all of the above. Don’t panic.)

Lick, Children, Fence

  1. Don’t give me that look of ‘no you can’t stir fry the toddler’—I can stir fry the toddler if I want to.

Yes, I actually said that. No, I did not stir fry the toddler. This is just the sort of thing that falls out of my mouth after spending whole days around small children. I don’t know how teachers and the like do it without going completely mad.

  1. No, you can’t go to the zoo for lunch.

We don’t live anywhere near a zoo. Apparently this is not a good excuse.

Zoo, Children, Tantrum

  1. No, the turkey doesn’t need a walk…

This gem came after Tori announced that she wanted to take the defrosting Christmas turkey outside for a walk and to stroke it. She looked most miffed that we laughed at her and said no…

  1. I made you ghost toast, the least you can do is make the bed!

This is how bargaining with a five year old goes. Be warned – if you make them ‘ghost toast’ or anything similar once, you will have to make it again. And again. And again.


And again.

Ghost, Toast, Children


You can follow Carole on Twitter: @caroleheidi

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